REFLECTIONS YARO - MARCH 2023

                                                                                                                   ZEUS AND HERA

                                                                                               THE MAGIC OF MARRIAGE                                                                                     

I am reflecting on the coming month of March. Memories come regarding the ‘IDES OF MARCH from the Shakespearean drama about the assassination of the Roman emperor Julius Cezar by his friend Brutus. It is also the god of war MARS. As gods represent the mythical meanings of human actions, Mars, represents the large and small wars that humanity experiences (now the war in Ukraine) and also the “wars“ between  people who are in conflict with their marriage partners.

One good example of such a ‘war” is the relationship between the famous couple Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera both from Mexico. They had a dramatic and painful marriage. After about 11 years of heavy drama. They were divorced and then married again until she died.

 Frida died in 1954 and now an article was written in the Australian paper that according to the grandson of Diego Rivera, Juan Coronel Rivera, who stated that Diego ‘helped’ Frida to die by supplying her with a heavy dosage of pain killers. As some masters say: “in a war there are no winners nor losers.”

This makes me to reflect on the many couples I see as counsellor for the Defence Dept veterans. Seeing couples every week, I am coming across an interesting pattern that seems to be very common in all relationship:

1.       The wife claims that they need better communication skills.

2.       The husband claims that he is suffering PTSD due to his army career and needs to understand his wife better.

Note: This is the traditional definition of couples (male/ female), In my opinion we can define couples with the  Jungian concept ‘’Anima” and “Animus”, independently or their gender definition, this means that the male person can be more Anima than Animus and the female the opposite.

As we work on these issues, I note that there is another pattern emerging while the couple discuss their needs: the Female (Animus) psychologically expresses her FELINGS first and the Male (animus) expresses his LOGIC first. As these expressions are not in the conscious domain, they enter a place of confusion and even hurt. If the conflict is stopped and the couple calm down, then the female partner switches to logic and the male into feelings. This is the moment to help them to understand that the ’war’ can be stopped and make peace! Both want the best for each other and yet have their own ideal expectations. But the reality of life is not so magic, and they need abilities to manage the reality as they live and work together.

Cultural ideas or “laws” are also embedded in everyone, and today our society is a mix of many cultures and thus creating more complex relationships. Also, cultural idealisations surround the ‘ideal’ of the wedding and the idea of home and children and the meaning of ‘happiness ever after’.

If you ask a young person about their reason for marriage, their reply is almost 100% “to be together” to “to be coupled” there is no mention of sexuality or economy, these are a “given”. Simply “being together” is the min reason to get married.

The ancient Greeks worshiped HERA AND ZEUS as the ideal marriage and tried to copy the proper behaviours as described by the priests. A happy household, ideal children double income and accumulation of good ‘stuff’ (furniture, swimming  pool etc).

However, as we all know, even in Heaven thigs could go wrong. As the gods struggle and fight, and here, on Earth, the COUPLING is soon UNCOUPLED as the pair hit the reality of daily living together. This is quickly defined a PROBLEMS. Just turn on your TV and watch the many dramas that attract most of today’s viewers and the full spectrum of conflicts appear as heavy entertainment. We watch things like jealousy, hate, anger, betrayals frustration, annoyances, disappointments and so on and on. Most of us can identify with some of those aspects and feel the mystery behind them.

Marriage finally seems like a yoke or burden. As children are born and need care and love the burden grows more. The new roles that the couple must take starts a ‘cooling’ state in the relationship and the tasks that are present now are either too much or impossible.

Most people that come to therapy, in my experience, are coming to ‘solve’ their problems and want fast solutions. They are disturbed that they are not able ‘just have peace’ in their relationship. They imagine that “relationship” is some sort of a disturbance or a lack of balance and want to be “cured” as soon as possible.

As marriage is a place of tremendous Dramas and Pain, it is also a place of tremendous idealisation. We project on the other expectations of what it means to be “happy”. Because we are individuals with different parenting for many years, and we develop strong personalities (character) we quickly clash as soon as we begin life together. So, marriage becomes a “battle” (even some TV commentators call it “the battle of sexes”) One partner wants to change the other and the other wants more of what they need etc.

Couples try to adjust facts to ideals they have learned early in life, but those ideals are personal fantasies that clash with the fantasies of the other: “you should clean your room” or “you should be a better father” or “you should cook for us” and so on. Add your “shoulds” here please:

Counsellors or therapists suggest that the couple be as open as possible with all their ideals. Each person is encouraged to openly state directly to the other their personal needs, wants, like words in communication, what we want in this partnership. Friendship, support, sexual needs, creative inspiration, loyalty, rage, frustration, etc. All is allowed to be expressed clearly and directly and explored deeply. Sharing dreams fantasies wishes, and goals etc.

This exploration in depth may also have some dangers. The verbal sharing is limited to thinking and interpretations leading to hurt and saddens, Therefore, the therapist encourages non-verbal communication, contact exercises that promote awareness and strategies like designing a vision board to clarify mutual understanding and love.

Love is a universal process that we have from birth and involves contact with the loved on for simple survival as a baby, and then a connection that is open to come together and withdraw if needed to be free to discover one’s individuation.

 

NOTE : Hera was an Olympian goddess, and a central figure in the Greek pantheon. She was the wife of Zeus. Zeus and Hera’s marriage ceremony was the first of its kind in Olympia. It was hugely celebrated with lots of feasting and merriment at the Garden of the Hesperides.

All the deities were in attendance, and they presented them with lots of magnificent gifts. Gaia, the earth goddess, and grandmother to the bride gifted Hera with an enchanted tree that when planted would produce exquisite golden apples.

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                  Chinese symbol for marriage and happiness