ZEUS AND HERA
THE MAGIC OF MARRIAGE
I am reflecting on the coming month of March.
Memories come regarding the ‘IDES OF MARCH from the Shakespearean drama about
the assassination of the Roman emperor Julius Cezar by his friend Brutus. It is
also the god of war MARS. As gods represent the mythical meanings of human
actions, Mars, represents the large and small wars that humanity experiences
(now the war in Ukraine) and also the “wars“ between people who are in conflict with their
marriage partners.
One good example of such a ‘war” is the
relationship between the famous couple Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera both from
Mexico. They had a dramatic and painful marriage. After about 11 years of heavy
drama. They were divorced and then married again until she died.
Frida
died in 1954 and now an article was written in the Australian paper that according
to the grandson of Diego Rivera, Juan Coronel Rivera, who stated that Diego
‘helped’ Frida to die by supplying her with a heavy dosage of pain killers. As
some masters say: “in a war there are no winners nor losers.”
This makes me to reflect on the many couples I
see as counsellor for the Defence Dept veterans. Seeing couples every week, I
am coming across an interesting pattern that seems to be very common in all relationship:
1.
The
wife claims that they need better communication skills.
2.
The
husband claims that he is suffering PTSD due to his army career and needs to
understand his wife better.
Note: This is
the traditional definition of couples (male/ female), In my opinion we can
define couples with the Jungian concept
‘’Anima” and “Animus”, independently or their gender definition, this means
that the male person can be more Anima than Animus and the female the opposite.
As we work on these issues, I note
that there is another pattern emerging while the couple discuss their needs:
the Female (Animus) psychologically expresses her FELINGS first and the Male (animus)
expresses his LOGIC first. As these expressions are not in the conscious
domain, they enter a place of confusion and even hurt. If the conflict is
stopped and the couple calm down, then the female partner switches to logic and
the male into feelings. This is the moment to help them to understand that the
’war’ can be stopped and make peace! Both want the best for each other and yet
have their own ideal expectations. But the reality of life is not so magic, and
they need abilities to manage the reality as they live and work together.
Cultural ideas or “laws” are also
embedded in everyone, and today our society is a mix of many cultures and thus
creating more complex relationships. Also, cultural idealisations surround the
‘ideal’ of the wedding and the idea of home and children and the meaning of
‘happiness ever after’.
If you ask a young person about
their reason for marriage, their reply is almost 100% “to be together” to “to
be coupled” there is no mention of sexuality or economy, these are a “given”.
Simply “being together” is the min reason to get married.
The ancient Greeks worshiped HERA
AND ZEUS as the ideal marriage and tried to copy the proper behaviours as
described by the priests. A happy household, ideal children double income and
accumulation of good ‘stuff’ (furniture, swimming pool etc).
However, as we all know, even in Heaven
thigs could go wrong. As the gods struggle and fight, and here, on Earth, the COUPLING
is soon UNCOUPLED as the pair hit the reality of daily living together. This is
quickly defined a PROBLEMS. Just turn on your TV and watch the many dramas that
attract most of today’s viewers and the full spectrum of conflicts appear as
heavy entertainment. We watch things like jealousy, hate, anger, betrayals frustration,
annoyances, disappointments and so on and on. Most of us can identify with some
of those aspects and feel the mystery behind them.
Marriage finally seems like a yoke
or burden. As children are born and need care and love the burden grows more.
The new roles that the couple must take starts a ‘cooling’ state in the
relationship and the tasks that are present now are either too much or
impossible.
Most people that come to therapy, in
my experience, are coming to ‘solve’ their problems and want fast solutions. They
are disturbed that they are not able ‘just have peace’ in their relationship.
They imagine that “relationship” is some sort of a disturbance or a lack of
balance and want to be “cured” as soon as possible.
As marriage is a place of tremendous
Dramas and Pain, it is also a place of tremendous idealisation. We project on
the other expectations of what it means to be “happy”. Because we are
individuals with different parenting for many years, and we develop strong
personalities (character) we quickly clash as soon as we begin life together. So,
marriage becomes a “battle” (even some TV commentators call it “the battle of
sexes”) One partner wants to change the other and the other wants more of what
they need etc.
Couples try to adjust facts to
ideals they have learned early in life, but those ideals are personal fantasies
that clash with the fantasies of the other: “you should clean your room” or
“you should be a better father” or “you should cook for us” and so on. Add your
“shoulds” here please:
Counsellors or therapists suggest
that the couple be as open as possible with all their ideals. Each person is
encouraged to openly state directly to the other their personal needs, wants,
like words in communication, what we want in this partnership. Friendship,
support, sexual needs, creative inspiration, loyalty, rage, frustration, etc.
All is allowed to be expressed clearly and directly and explored deeply.
Sharing dreams fantasies wishes, and goals etc.
This exploration in depth may also
have some dangers. The verbal sharing is limited to thinking and
interpretations leading to hurt and saddens, Therefore, the therapist
encourages non-verbal communication, contact exercises that promote awareness
and strategies like designing a vision board to clarify mutual understanding
and love.
Love is a universal process that we
have from birth and
involves contact with the loved on for simple survival as a baby, and then a
connection that is open to come together and withdraw if needed to be free to
discover one’s individuation.
NOTE
: Hera was an Olympian goddess, and a central figure in the Greek pantheon. She
was the wife of Zeus. Zeus and Hera’s marriage ceremony was the first of its
kind in Olympia. It was hugely celebrated with lots of feasting and merriment
at the Garden of the Hesperides.
All
the deities were in attendance, and they presented them with lots of
magnificent gifts. Gaia, the earth goddess, and grandmother to the bride gifted
Hera with an enchanted tree that when planted would produce exquisite golden
apples.
Chinese symbol for marriage and happiness
