AUGUST 2019 BLOG
FATHERHOOD AS A SPIRITUAL
PRACTICE
“Today are being psychologically
and culturally neutered (castrated) in the early stages of their cognitive and
affective development through subliminal conditioning aimed at the gradual rejection
of their masculinity to ensure their development along the lines of fluid
identities. Introducing our children to this fluidity is a crime against their
humanity in that it is deliberately engineering their personalities, sense of
gender, even sex. A sinister agenda driven by politically correct and rabid
misandry”
Quote
from an article by Dimitry Gonis: They are out to shear away masculinity.
So, we may want to reflect about
the above quote and consider, as fathers, (and mothers) what a father can do
bring some common sense and enable the young boy in understanding his masculine
development. After all, the father is the primary model of the “ideal man”
being present every day in the family. The father’s role is to help boys find
their way to a purposeful adult life and become a man of character for his own
children.
Many of the inherent
stereotypical traits that our culture associates with masculinity like
achievement, competition, adventure and risk taking are not inherently bad nor
harmful cultural constructs that should be engineered out. They are innate
characteristics that must be shaped, moulded and channelled into virtues. It is
here that the father has an outside strong influence on his children. research
shows that without the father at home, boys are at risk of not attending
college or university studies.
As a father, ask yourself this
question: What can I do to show my son the path of life? The way to adulthood?
One key learning that a father must explore first is the spiritual context of
fatherhood. I call it Soul Craft.
To enable fathers and men in
general to reflect on the spiritual work they can embark on and deepen their
purpose in this area, I offer here my own essay about my exploration on this
topic. Your comments and your stories are most welcome.
FATHERHOOD AS A SPIRITUAL PATH – the way to a man’s soul.
Yaro Starak, Gestalt Therapist
I will start by telling you
briefly, my story. I was born a month
after the Nazi started the WWII with the invasion of Poland. Soon after,
Ukraine was invaded by both enemies: the Nazis and the Communists. The land
where I was born became the start of a struggle between two forces convinced
that one of them is right. Eventually both contributed to a major destruction
of most of Europe. My father, who was a photographer, was arrested by the
Communists and deported to Siberia and after then he was never seen again.
Having lost my father at a very
early age, I relied on my mother during my growing years to adulthood as a
guide and support. Fortunately, I had two uncles (my mother’s brothers) who
were very present as my male figures and roles models during those formative
years. They enabled me to learn about the male role in a mainly female
household.
It is evident that a child does not
have to have a biological father and even some children who have a biological
father have had sadly negative experiences when growing up. However, research
indicates that when a father or male carer, is present as a positive support,
that presence may reduce psychological problems and behavioural issues. An
increased amount of real time involvement of the adult male may help increase
the child’s social, educational and relational ability that will ensure the
potential to have a solid and positive life as an adult man.
A brief history of Fatherhood
The link between sexual acts and
procreation can be empirically identified, but it is by no means of immediate
evidence. The conception of life cannot be observed, whereas its birth is
obviously visible. The extended time lag between the former and the latter
certainly does not help to identify their link, but on the contrary it makes
even more difficult to assume any kind of relationship between these two
events. Some may even go as far to argue that human beings have occasionally
ignored that males impregnate females. During this early human evolution period
procreation was sometimes even considered to be an autonomous 'ability' of
women. Men were essential to ensure the survival and defence of the social
group, but only women could enhance and guarantee the human survival through
their ability to create new individuals. This gave women a role of primary and
indisputable importance within their social groups.
This situation probably persisted
during the whole Palaeolithic age. Some scholars believe the well-known Venus
figurines of that age to be clear witnesses of it. During the transition to the
Neolithic age, agriculture and cattle breeding became the core activities of a
growing number of human communities. Breeding in particular is likely to have
led women – who used to spend more time than men taking care of the cattle – to
observations and considerations which gradually allowed them to discover the
procreative effect of the sexual act between a male and a female.
Ancient Rome
Roman law and tradition (mos maiorum) established the power of
the Pater familias (Father of the
clan) within the community of his own extended familia. He held legal privilege over the property of the familia, and varying levels of authority
over his dependents: these included his wife and children, certain other
relatives through blood or adoption, clients, freedmen and slaves. The same maiorum mos moderated his authority and
determined his responsibilities to his own familia
and to the broader community. He had a duty to ‘father’ and raise healthy
children as future citizens of Rome, to maintain the moral propriety and
well-being of his household, to honour his clan and ancestral gods and to
dutifully participate—and if possible, serve—in Rome's political, religious and
social life. In effect, the pater
familias was expected to be a good citizen. In theory at least, he held
powers of life and death over every member of his extended familia through ancient right but in practice, the extreme form of
this right was seldom exercised. It was eventually limited by law. Therefore we
know that traditionally, fathers continue to act in a protective, supportive and
responsible way towards their children.
Even though the father was
considered as the provider, the mother, on the other hand, is still viewed as
the predominant carer of children due to her capacity to give birth.
Feminists have challenged this premise of ‘gender arrangements’ of work and care and the male ‘breadwinner
role’ and therefore we have seen more policies targeting men as fathers and
demanding a more sharing relationships in the modern family.
The Father challenge
Sam Keen(1) and other writers have observed fatherhood and
made similar statements as Sam Keen in his book FIRE IN THE BELLY. Sam Keen
stated: “We men tend to view ourselves as independent actors. As warriors,
controllers, providers, protectors, and occasionally as lovers. We peg our
self-worth on our tax brackets or how much we've published or how many women
we've been with. We constantly look to the outside world for our valuation.
Within the "men's movement" there is a tendency to talk about how I
was treated by my father, about the lacks I had in my life, about my own
confusion and pain and grief, about initiation (without any idea of what we
want to initiate our children into). These are legitimate experiences that
afflict our lives, but there comes a time when we men have to look beyond our
own suffering and recognize that we are also causing suffering”. He states further
that:
"There is no way for
men...to recover wholeheartedness, to become passionate and truly free, without
rediscovering the central importance of the family." To rediscover the
family, we, as men, must rediscover ourselves as fathers and parents, and place
this role of the many roles we play at the centre of our lives. It is within
the context of the family that we live our lives, and it is here that we receive
our deepest wounds and most profound joys”. (Fire in the Belly)
For many years I have given away
the responsibility to raise my son to his mother. I was raised by my mother, so
I believed that mother can do a better job. However, having travelled, worked
as an academic and a Gestalt therapist, I discovered that my son was longing
for my contact and so we made sure we played sports and games for many years.
Yet, I did not feel a real involvement with him. This changed a lot after the
birth of my younger son.
As fathers, we give our children
many gifts along with many wounds. Paradoxically, the wounds and the gifts are
two sides of the same coin. When we give time and attention, we heal the wound
of abandonment. When we acknowledge a child's accomplishments, we give the gift
of confidence. When we support the free expression of feelings, we give the
gift of self-esteem. In essence, if we show with our dedication and time, our love,
attention, nurturing, it will demonstrate that we truly value our children and
then they will come to value themselves and us.
We have to be willing to be
available to our children as often as we can, and to be with them as often as
practicable. There is no substitute for time with children. They know it and so
do we. As fathers, we can no longer afford to use such excuses as "college
expenses," "personal growth," "bigger houses," "
more cars, gadgets, or other toys" to justify our abandonment of our
children. For at a deep and profound level all men are the fathers of all
children whether they are biological or not. We have to go beyond the personal
to the communal, and work to heal all of the damage our forefathers still
perpetrate through us. Such damage is evident in the many violent acts that men
perpetrate even today.
When I conducted many men
workshops, over the past ten years, I discovered that I am not really teaching
about how to be a man, but learning how to be a man! When men asked me “what to
do to become a better father to my children”, I had only one answer: “become
aware that YOU need to change”. Change
must come from within and not from the cultural, religious and social
introjects. One important option to develop yourself as a father, that has been
largely overlooked for centuries, is the importance of fatherhood as a
spiritual practice.
My two sons
Fathering as a spiritual practice.
It is my conviction that fathering,
for men, is clearly a spiritual path. For many men, their first step into their
hearts, entering the heart of love, is through their love of a woman. Men take
solace from women. Because of the deep seated nature of the competitive male
spirit, many men don't trust one another. But they often trust and can let go
of their protective shells in the presence of women. This is also possible with
one's child. Some men turn their backs on their children. Some let the women in
their lives be the ones that become enthralled with their children. We can
raise our kids by default, or consciously. There will never be more pain, more
transformative pain than with your child or children, nor more opportunities to
grow big in heart and spirit. By rising our children, we (parents) revisit
childhood again, the magic, the pain, the joy.
We are gifted with the opportunity to experience one of the most
powerful of the ancient healing processes. Hanging out with his kids, an
involved father will hear, not Ommmm,
but the sound of his own silly laugh, a close reminder of the giggles of his
own childhood.
Having had the wonderful and magic opportunity
to be a full time father to my second son, I was able to actually experience the
great spirituality that he offered me from the moment of his birth. Through
being a full time dad, I was re-parenting myself! I experienced a love process.
Wherever my son goes, he goes in his world, whatever he does (when we're
together), I am there. I might take him there. But he takes me in. We go to
places-physical places, emotional places that I never accessed with my absent dad.
I protect him. I play with him. I guide him. And in return, he inspires and
challenges me. Together we learn, play and grow our love. Swimming, rock
climbing, bicycling, watching movies, reading books and comics, rough-playing ,
making the bed and learning our limits. Through his experience of wonder I get
to feel that soul wonder all over again. Through providing healthy limits for
him and calling him when he breaks those limits, I get to rediscover those
boundaries for myself. Through teaching him the importance of honesty,
integrity, patience and perseverance, I get to model and am reminded, at a fundamental level, of the strength I have to live
those qualities daily.
Over many years, I have had the
good fortune to learn and travel the world. I spent time at alternative and
spiritual communities around the world. Attended meetings at Ashrams and read
some of the important books on meditation and joined seminars about soul work.
I also trained in gestalt therapy and became a founder of two institutes in
Australia. I've cleaned out my closet of
negativity and am continuing to clean up my act. I've healed a lot of wounds
with my father and made peace with my mother. My heart has been split open and
then healed by love and crushed by grief. I've danced and loved my way into
countless forms of bliss. I've experienced the wisdom of the breath, been moved
by deep silence, witnessed the inherent beauty of simplicity, and I have been
moved by honest and kind words.
All great teachers remind us that
Love is the answer. Love is the answer for me too. The question it answers:
"What is truly important?" and the answer is: our children as our
wise guides. I have gained this insight by spending my time with my son.
Focusing my time and energy into raising my son is now my spiritual path. This
is not only a rediscovery but a revolution of who I am.
Many people think that their next
great spiritual lesson is going to come from a new teacher or "spiritual
pursuit." They travel to India to find the guide. However, if you are a
parent who is paying attention and prioritizing your children over other self
realizing, self-fulfilling pursuits , then you probably are experiencing many
awe-filled, quiet and simple moments of pleasure. The gift of parenting is
often in those rare moments in-between all the busy stuff. If you are a father
spending your time on your child, giving your full presence, whether you're
interested at that moment or not, whether you have that time or not, you are a revolutionary!
What is the path for men?
We know that most men were not
trained to prioritize their active involvement in their family. How could they?
In school, life skills’ training for boys is dismal where it involves caring
for themselves or others. Boys are trained in the don'ts: "Don't be a
cry-baby", "Don't let others know you're hurt," "Don't let
others see that you are weak," "Don't be a wimp," "Don't be
effeminate," "Don't be sensitive to other's pain." Boy's
training means: minds overrule hearts. Productivity is more important than
sensitivity. Boys are rewarded for paying attention to facts and numbers, not
themselves, not others. For men to unlearn and retrain themselves, going against
what they've been taught about who men are and what men do, is not easy. What
men often need is the equivalent of sensitivity training in gestalt groups.
Many men need to revisit what they were told is unimportant and learn to trust
their intuition. Many men need to become aware that when they were told men
were not supposed to feel, need to practice feeling. Those men would then be
good to themselves and those they love by learning about gentleness, kindness
and being real. Those men would do well extending compassion and gentleness
towards themselves and others. But it is hard to combat this training at a
cellular level. In reclaiming the essence of our nature, the nature that is in
men as well as women, boys as well as girls, we learn the necessity of caring
for one's self and others. This is not as simple as it seems. If a man was not
taught to honour these qualities, he will need patience and incredible
commitment to learn these lessons. Once we take the time and make the effort to
connect with the heart's sense of love, creating and prioritizing family over
almost anything else makes perfect sense. Men, who are waking up to this, doing the work
and making this commitment, are lavishing a gift onto themselves, their
partners, but most importantly their children and the community.
Conclusion
Living and breathing and thinking
about our children are what many of us must do as our spiritual work. This is
the first order of love. Though men have
been trained to respond differently, many fathers, like me, are heeding the
wisdom of their heart. Then love is present not only in us but our children and
in their child or children.
Fathering is a loving spiritual practice!
“All suffering gives rise to a great compassion
A great compassion creates a generous heart
From a generous heart is born an honourable person
An honourable person builds a united family
A united family generates a gentle community
A gentle community creates a peaceful nation
A peaceful nation makes a happy world
In which we all live in solidarity, peace and happiness”
BUDDHA
1.
Sam
Keen FIRE IN THE BELLY 1992
