REFLECTIONS FOR DECEMBER 2017

DECEMBER 2017 - THE YEAR ENDING

Every ending has a beginning and this year, 2017, is ending soon. It begun with many human and natural events that created enormous crises. It seems that the SOUL is missing from the modern cultures and therefore creating huge discords and mis-understandings on a global scale.

Bill Plotkin in his book "Soulcraft (2003)" states that: "contemporary society has lost touch with soul and the path to true psychology and spiritual maturity or real adulthood. Instead, we are encouraged to create lives of predictable security (safety), false normality, material comfort, bland (virtual) entertainment and the illusion of eternal youth. Most of our leaders - political, cultural and economic - represent and defend unsustainable ways of life built upon military aggression, the control and exploitation of nature's 'resources' and an entitled sense of national security that ignores the needs of other species, other nations, tribes and races including our own future generations. These so called 'values' do not represent our deeper human nature. It seems that we need urgent guidance, especially for men, to be able to achieve successful leadership in these perilous times in human history. It requires a psychological and spiritual maturity. That maturity is possible and never more necessary than NOW!"

In the previous blog posts I pointed out, in my reflections, the failure of psychotherapy to connect with spirit and soul. Cognitive and neurological research brought about wonderful intellectual and theoretical insights but the SOUL and SPIRIT is "lost in translation" so to speak.

In this final year Reflections, I am offering a discussion paper I wrote recently regarding me, as a man. After some 40 years of travelling on my life's journey, I discovered a way to a man's soul and spirit. I entitled this paper "Fatherhood as a Spiritual Path." I am happy to share my journey with all the readers and invite your own reflections and comments about your own search for soul and spirit.

FATHERHOOD AS A SPIRITUAL PATH – the way to a man’s soul.

Yaro Starak

Link to the radio interview on this subject. 

I will start by telling you briefly, MY story. I was born a month after the Nazi started the WWII with the invasion of Poland. Soon after, Ukraine was invaded by both enemies: the Nazis and the Communists. The land where I was born became the start of a struggle between two forces convinced that one of them is right. Eventually both contributed to a major destruction of most of Europe. My father, who was a photographer, was arrested by the Communists and deported to Siberia and after then he was never seen again.

Having lost my father at a very early age, I relied on my mother during my growing years to adulthood as a guide and support. Fortunately, I had two uncles (my mother’s brothers) who were very present as my male figures and roles models during those formative years. They enabled me to learn about the male role in a mainly female household.

It is evident that a child does not have to have a biological father and even some children who have a biological father have had sadly negative experiences when growing up. However, research indicates that when a father or male carer, is present as a positive support, that presence may reduce psychological problems and behavioural issues. An increased amount of real time involvement of the adult male may help increase the child’s social, educational and relational ability that will ensure the potential to have a solid and positive marriage as an adult man.

A brief history of Fatherhood

The link between sexual acts and procreation can be empirically identified, but it is by no means of immediate evidence. The conception of life cannot be observed, whereas its birth is obviously visible. The extended time lag between the former and the latter certainly does not help to identify their link, but on the contrary it makes even more difficult to assume any kind of relationship between these two events. Some may even go as far to argue that human beings have occasionally ignored that males impregnate females. During this early human evolution period procreation was sometimes even considered to be an autonomous 'ability' of women. Men were essential to ensure the survival and defence of the social group, but only women could enhance and guarantee the human survival through their ability to create new individuals. This gave women a role of primary and indisputable importance within their social groups.

 Ancient female sculpture

This situation probably persisted during the whole Palaeolithic age. Some scholars believe the well-known Venus figurines of that age to be clear witnesses of it. During the transition to the Neolithic age, agriculture and cattle breeding became the core activities of a growing number of human communities. Breeding in particular is likely to have led women – who used to spend more time than men taking care of the cattle – to observations and considerations which gradually allowed them to discover the procreative effect of the sexual act between a male and a female.

Ancient Rome

Roman law and tradition (mos maiorum) established the power of the Pater familias (Father of the clan) within the community of his own extended familia. He held legal privilege over the property of the familia, and varying levels of authority over his dependents: these included his wife and children, certain other relatives through blood or adoption, clients, freedmen and slaves. The same maiorum mos moderated his authority and determined his responsibilities to his own familia and to the broader community. He had a duty to ‘father’ and raise healthy children as future citizens of Rome, to maintain the moral propriety and well-being of his household, to honour his clan and ancestral gods and to dutifully participate—and if possible, serve—in Rome's political, religious and social life. In effect, the pater familias was expected to be a good citizen. In theory at least, he held powers of life and death over every member of his extended familia through ancient right but in practice, the extreme form of this right was seldom exercised. It was eventually limited by law. Therefore we know that traditionally, fathers continue to act in a protective, supportive and responsible way towards their children.

Even though the father was considered as the provider, the mother, on the other hand, is still viewed as the predominant carer of children due to her capacity to give birth. Feminists  have challenged this  premise of ‘gender arrangements’  of work and care and the male ‘breadwinner role’ and therefore we have seen more policies targeting men as fathers and demanding a more sharing relationships in the modern family.

The Father challenge

My two sons

Sam Keen(1) and  other writers have observed fatherhood and made similar statements as Sam Keen in his book FIRE IN THE BELLY. Sam Keen stated: “We men tend to view ourselves as independent actors. As warriors, controllers, providers, protectors, and occasionally as lovers. We peg our self-worth on our tax brackets or how much we've published or how many women we've been with. We constantly look to the outside world for our valuation. Within the "men's movement" there is a tendency to talk about how I was treated by my father, about the lacks I had in my life, about my own confusion and pain and grief, about initiation (without any idea of what we want to initiate our children into). These are legitimate experiences that afflict our lives, but there comes a time when we men have to look beyond our own suffering and recognize that we are also causing suffering”. He states further that:

 "There is no way for men...to recover wholeheartedness, to become passionate and truly free, without rediscovering the central importance of the family." To rediscover the family, we, as men, must rediscover ourselves as fathers and parents, and place this role of the many roles we play at the centre of our lives. It is within the context of the family that we live our lives, and it is here that we receive our deepest wounds and most profound joys”. (Fire in the Belly).

For many years I have given away the responsibility to raise my son to his mother. I was raised by my mother, so I believed that mother can do a better job. However, having travelled, worked as an academic and a Gestalt therapist, I discovered that my son was longing for my contact and so we made sure we played sports and games for many years. Yet, I did not feel a real involvement with him.

As fathers, we give our children many gifts along with many wounds. Paradoxically, the wounds and the gifts are two sides of the same coin. When we give time and attention, we heal the wound of abandonment. When we acknowledge a child's accomplishments, we give the gift of confidence. When we support the free expression of feelings, we give the gift of self-esteem. In essence, if we show with our dedication and time, our love, attention, nurturing, it will demonstrate that we truly value our children and then they will come to value themselves and us.

We have to be willing to be available to our children as often as we can, and to be with them as often as practicable. There is no substitute for time with children. They know it and so do we. As fathers, we can no longer afford to use such excuses as "college expenses," "personal growth," "bigger houses," " more cars, gadgets, or other toys" to justify our abandonment of our children. For at a deep and profound level all men are the fathers of all children whether they are biological or not. We have to go beyond the personal to the communal, and work to heal all of the damage our forefathers still perpetrate through us. Such damage is evident in the many violent acts that men perpetrate even today.

When I conducted many men workshops, over the past ten years, I discovered that I am not really teaching about how to be a man, but learning how to be a man! When men asked me “what to do to become a better father to my children”, I had only one answer: “become aware that YOU need to change”. Change must come from within and not from the cultural, religious and social introjects. One important option to develop yourself as a father, that has been largely overlooked for centuries, is the importance of fatherhood as a spiritual practice.

Fathering as a spiritual practice.

It is my conviction that fathering, for men, is clearly a spiritual path. For many men, their first step into their hearts, entering the heart of love, is through their love of a woman. Men take solace from women. Because of the deep seated nature of the competitive male spirit, many men don't trust one another. But they often trust and can let go of their protective shells in the presence of women. This is also possible with one's child. Some men turn their backs on their children. Some let the women in their lives be the ones that become enthralled with their children. We can raise our kids by default, or consciously. There will never be more pain, more transformative pain than with your child or children, nor more opportunities to grow big in heart and spirit. By rising our children, we (parents) revisit childhood again, the magic, the pain, the joy.  We are gifted with the opportunity to experience one of the most powerful of the ancient healing processes. Hanging out with his kids, an involved father will hear, not Ommmm, but the sound of his own silly laugh, a close reminder of the giggles of his own childhood.

 Having had the wonderful and magic opportunity to be a full time father to my second son, I was able to actually experience the great spirituality that he offered me from the moment of his birth. Through being a full time dad, I was re-parenting myself! I experienced a love process. Wherever my son goes, he goes in his world, whatever he does (when we're together), I am there. I might take him there. But he takes me in. We go to places-physical places, emotional places that I never accessed with my absent dad. I protect him. I play with him. I guide him. And in return, he inspires and challenges me. Together we learn, play and grow our love. Swimming, rock climbing, bicycling, watching movies, reading books and comics,  rough-playing , making the bed and learning our limits. Through his experience of wonder I get to feel that soul wonder all over again. Through providing healthy limits for him and calling him when he breaks those limits, I get to rediscover those boundaries for myself. Through teaching him the importance of honesty, integrity, patience and perseverance, I get to model and be reminded, at a fundamental level, of the strength I have to live those qualities daily.

Over many years, I have had the good fortune to learn and travel the world. I spent time at alternative and spiritual communities around the world. Attended meetings at Ashrams and read some of the important books on meditation and joined seminars about soul work. I also trained in gestalt therapy and became a founder of two institutes in Australia.  I've cleaned out my closet of negativity and am continuing to clean up my act. I've healed a lot of wounds with my father and made peace with my mother. My heart has been split open and then healed by love and crushed by grief. I've danced and loved my way into countless forms of bliss. I've experienced the wisdom of the breath, been moved by deep silence, witnessed the inherent beauty of simplicity, and I have been moved by honest and kind words.

All great teachers remind us that Love is the answer. Love is the answer for me too. The question it answers: "What is truly important?" and the answer is: our children as our wise guides. I have gained this insight by spending my time with my son. Focusing my time and energy into raising my son is now my spiritual path. This is not only a rediscovery but a revolution of who I am.

Many people think that their next great spiritual lesson is going to come from a new teacher or "spiritual pursuit." They travel to India to find the guide. However, if you are a parent who is paying attention and prioritizing your children over other self realizing, self-fulfilling pursuits , then you probably are experiencing many awe-filled, quiet and simple moments of pleasure. The gift of parenting is often in those rare moments in-between all the busy stuff. If you are a father spending your time on your child, giving your full presence, whether you're interested at that moment or not, whether you have that time or not, you are a revolutionary!

What is the path for men?

We know that most men were not trained to prioritize their active involvement in their family. How could they? In school, life skills’ training for boys is dismal where it involves caring for themselves or others. Boys are trained in the don'ts: "Don't be a cry-baby", "Don't let others know you're hurt," "Don't let others see that you are weak," "Don't be a wimp," "Don't be effeminate," "Don't be sensitive to other's pain." Boy's training means: minds overrule hearts. Productivity is more important than sensitivity. Boys are rewarded for paying attention to facts and numbers, not themselves, not others. For men to unlearn and retrain themselves, going against what they've been taught about who men are and what men do, is not easy. What men often need is the equivalent of sensitivity training in gestalt groups. Many men need to revisit what they were told is unimportant and learn to trust their intuition. Many men need to become aware that when they were told men were not supposed to feel, need to practice feeling. Those men would then be good to themselves and those they love by learning about gentleness, kindness and being real. Those men would do well extending compassion and gentleness towards themselves and others. But it is hard to combat this training at a cellular level. In reclaiming the essence of our nature, the nature that is in men as well as women, boys as well as girls, we learn the necessity of caring for one's self and others. This is not as simple as it seems. If a man was not taught to honour these qualities, he will need patience and incredible commitment to learn these lessons. Once we take the time and make the effort to connect with the heart's sense of love, creating and prioritizing family over almost anything else makes perfect sense.  Men, who are waking up to this, doing the work and making this commitment, are lavishing a gift onto themselves, their partners, but most importantly their children and the community.

Conclusion

Living and breathing and thinking about our children is what many of us must do as our spiritual work. This is the first order of love.  Though men have been trained to respond differently, many fathers, like me, are heeding the wisdom of their heart. Then love is present not only in us but our children and in their child or children.

Fathering is a loving spiritual practice!

“All suffering gives rise to a great compassion

A great compassion creates a generous heart

From a generous heart is born an honourable person

An honourable person builds a united family

A united family generates a gentle community

A gentle community creates a peaceful nation

A peaceful nation makes a happy world

In which we all live in solidarity, peace and happiness”

BUDDHA