FATHERHOOD AS A
SPIRITUAL PATH – the way to a man’s soul.
Yaro Starak, Gestalt Therapist
Picture from cahlil-therapy
I will start by telling you briefly, my story. I was born a month after the Nazi started the WWII with
the invasion of Poland. Soon after, Ukraine was invaded by both enemies: the
Nazis and the Communists. The land where I was born became the start of a
struggle between two forces convinced that one of them is right. Eventually
both contributed to a major destruction of most of Europe. My father, who was a
photographer, was arrested by the Communists and deported to Siberia and after
then he was never seen again.
Having lost my father at a very early age, I relied on my
mother during my growing years to adulthood as a guide and support.
Fortunately, I had two uncles (my mother’s brothers) who were very present as
my male figures and roles models during those formative years. They enabled me
to learn about the male role in a mainly female household.
It is evident that a child does not have to have a
biological father and even some children who have a biological father have had
sadly negative experiences when growing up. However, research indicates that
when a father or male carer, is present as a positive support, that presence
may reduce psychological problems and behavioural issues. An increased amount
of real time involvement of the adult male may help increase the child’s
social, educational and relational ability that will ensure the potential to
have a solid and positive life as an adult man.
A brief history of
Fatherhood
The link between sexual acts and procreation can be
empirically identified, but it is by no means of immediate evidence. The
conception of life cannot be observed, whereas its birth is obviously visible.
The extended time lag between the former and the latter certainly does not help
to identify their link, but on the contrary it makes even more difficult to
assume any kind of relationship between these two events. Some may even go as
far to argue that human beings have occasionally ignored that males impregnate
females. During this early human evolution period procreation was sometimes
even considered to be an autonomous 'ability' of women. Men were essential to
ensure the survival and defence of the social group, but only women could
enhance and guarantee the human survival through their ability to create new
individuals. This gave women a role of primary and indisputable importance within
their social groups.
This situation probably persisted during the whole Palaeolithic
age. Some scholars believe the well-known Venus figurines of that age to be
clear witnesses of it. During the transition to the Neolithic age, agriculture
and cattle breeding became the core activities of a growing number of human
communities. Breeding in particular is likely to have led women – who used to
spend more time than men taking care of the cattle – to observations and
considerations which gradually allowed them to discover the procreative effect
of the sexual act between a male and a female.
Ancient Rome
Roman law and tradition (mos
maiorum) established the power of the Pater
familias (Father of the clan) within the community of his own extended familia. He held legal privilege over
the property of the familia, and
varying levels of authority over his dependents: these included his wife and
children, certain other relatives through blood or adoption, clients, freedmen
and slaves. The same mos maiorum
moderated his authority and determined his responsibilities to his own familia and to the broader community. He
had a duty to ‘father’ and raise healthy children as future citizens of Rome,
to maintain the moral propriety and well-being of his household, to honour his
clan and ancestral gods and to dutifully participate—and if possible, serve—in
Rome's political, religious and social life. In effect, the pater familias was expected to be a good
citizen. In theory at least, he held powers of life and death over every member
of his extended familia through
ancient right but in practice the extreme form of this right was seldom
exercised. It was eventually limited by law. Therefore we know that
traditionally, fathers continue to act in a protective, supportive and
responsible way towards their children.
Even though the father was considered as the provider, the
mother, on the other hand, is still viewed as the predominant carer of children
due to her capacity to give birth. Feminists
have challenged this premise of
‘gender arrangements’ of work and care
and the male ‘breadwinner role’ and therefore we have seen more policies
targeting men as fathers and demanding a more sharing relationships in the
modern family.
The Father challenge
Sam Keen and other
writers have observed fatherhood and made similar statements as Sam Keen in his
book FIRE IN THE BELLY. Sam Keen stated: “We men tend to view ourselves as
independent actors. As warriors, controllers, providers, protectors, and
occasionally as lovers. We peg our self-worth on our tax brackets or how much
we've published or how many women we've been with. We constantly look to the
outside world for our valuation. Within the "men's movement" there is
a tendency to talk about how I was treated by my father, about the lacks I had
in my life, about my own confusion and pain and grief, about initiation
(without any idea of what we want to initiate our children into). These are
legitimate experiences that afflict our lives, but there comes a time when we
men have to look beyond our own suffering and recognize that we are also causing
suffering”. He states further that:
"There is no way for men...to recover
wholeheartedness, to become passionate and truly free, without rediscovering
the central importance of the family." To rediscover the family, we, as
men, must rediscover ourselves as fathers and parents, and place this role of
the many roles we play at the centre of our lives. It is within the context of
the family that we live our lives, and it is here that we receive our deepest
wounds and most profound joys”. (Fire in the Belly)
For many years I have given away the responsibility to raise
my older son to his mother. I was raised by my mother, so I believed that mother can
do a better job. However, having travelled, worked as an academic and a Gestalt
therapist, I discovered that my son was longing for my contact and so we made
sure we played sports and games for many years. Yet, I did not feel a real
involvement with him. This changed a lot with my younger son.
As fathers, we give our children many gifts along with many
wounds. Paradoxically, the wounds and the gifts are two sides of the same coin.
When we give time and attention, we heal the wound of abandonment. When we
acknowledge a child's accomplishments, we give the gift of confidence. When we
support the free expression of feelings, we give the gift of self-esteem. In
essence, if we show with our dedication and time, our love, attention,
nurturing, it will demonstrate that we truly value our children and then they
will come to value themselves and us.
We have to be willing to be available to our children as
often as we can, and to be with them as often as practicable. There is no
substitute for time with children. They know it and so do we. As fathers, we
can no longer afford to use such excuses as "college expenses,"
"personal growth," "bigger houses," " more cars,
gadgets, or other personal toys" to justify our abandonment of our children. For at
a deep and profound level all men are the fathers of all children whether they
are biological or not. We have to go beyond the personal to the communal, and
work to heal all of the damage our forefathers still perpetrate through us.
Such damage is evident in the many violent acts that men perpetrate even today.
When I conducted many men workshops, over the past ten
years, I discovered that I am not really teaching about how to be a man, but
learning how to be a man! When men asked me “what to do to become a better
father to my children”, I had only one answer: “become aware that YOU need to change”. Change must come
from within and not from the cultural, religious and social introjects. One
important option to develop yourself as a father, that has been largely
overlooked for centuries, is the importance of fatherhood as a spiritual
practice.
Fathering as a
spiritual practice
It is my conviction that fathering, for men, is clearly a
spiritual path. For many men, their first step into their hearts, entering the
heart of love, is through their love of a woman. Men take solace from women.
Because of the deep seated nature of the competitive male spirit, many men
don't trust one another. But they often trust and can let go of their
protective shells in the presence of women. This is also possible with one's
child. Some men turn their backs on their children. Some let the women in their
lives be the ones that become enthralled with their children. We can raise our
kids by default, or consciously. There will never be more pain, more
transformative pain than with your child or children, nor more opportunities to
grow big in heart and spirit. By rising our children, we (parents) revisit
childhood again, the magic, the pain, the joy.
We are gifted with the opportunity to experience one of the most
powerful of the ancient healing processes. Hanging out with his kids, an
involved father will hear, not Ommmm,
but the sound of his own silly laugh, a close reminder of the giggles of his
own childhood.
Having had the
wonderful and magic opportunity to be a full time father to my second son, I
was able to actually experience the great spirituality that he offered me from
the moment of his birth. Through being a full time dad, I was re-parenting
myself! I experienced a love process. Wherever my son goes, he goes in his
world, whatever he does (when we're together), I am there. I might take him
there. But he takes me in. We go to amazing places-physical places, emotional places
that I never accessed with my absent dad. I protect him. I play with him. I
guide him. And in return, he inspires and challenges me. Together we learn,
play and grow our love. Swimming, rock climbing, bicycling, watching movies,
reading books and comics, rough-playing ,
making the bed and learning our limits. Through his experience of wonder I get
to feel that soul wonder all over again. Through providing healthy limits for
him and calling him when he breaks those limits, I get to rediscover those
boundaries for myself. Through teaching him the importance of honesty,
integrity, patience and perseverance, I get to model and am reminded, at a fundamental level, of the strength I have to live
those qualities daily.
Over many years, I have had the good fortune to learn and
travel the world. I spent time at alternative and spiritual communities around
the world. Attended meetings at Ashrams and read some of the important books on
meditation and joined seminars about soul work. I also trained in gestalt
therapy and became a founder of two institutes in Australia. I've cleaned out my closet of negativity and
am continuing to clean up my act. I've healed a lot of wounds with my father
and made peace with my mother. My heart has been split open and then healed by
love and crushed by grief. I've danced and loved my way into countless forms of
bliss. I've experienced the wisdom of the breath, been moved by deep silence,
witnessed the inherent beauty of simplicity, and I have been moved by honest
and kind words.
All great teachers remind us that Love is the answer. Love
is the answer for me too. The question it answers: "What is truly
important?" and the answer is: our children as our wise guides. I have
gained this insight by spending my time with my son. Focusing my time and
energy into raising my son is now my spiritual path. This is not only a
rediscovery but a revolution of who I am.
Many people think that their next great spiritual lesson is
going to come from a new teacher or "spiritual pursuit." They travel
to India to find the guide. However, if you are a parent who is paying
attention and prioritizing your children over other self realizing,
self-fulfilling pursuits , then you probably are experiencing many awe-filled,
quiet and simple moments of pleasure. The gift of parenting is often in those rare
moments in-between all the busy stuff. If you are a father spending your time
on your child, giving your full presence, whether you're interested at that
moment or not, whether you have that time or not, you are a revolutionary!
What is the path for
men?
We know that most men were not trained to prioritize their
active involvement in their family. How could they? In school, life skills’
training for boys is dismal where it involves caring for themselves or others.
Boys are trained in the don'ts: "Don't be a cry-baby", "Don't
let others know you're hurt," "Don't let others see that you are weak,"
"Don't be a wimp," "Don't be effeminate," "Don't be
sensitive to other's pain." Boy's training means: minds overrule hearts.
Productivity is more important than sensitivity. Boys are rewarded for paying
attention to facts and numbers, not themselves, not others. For men to unlearn
and retrain themselves, going against what they've been taught about who men
are and what men do, is not easy. What men often need is the equivalent of
sensitivity training in gestalt groups. Many men need to revisit what they were
told is unimportant and learn to trust their intuition. Many men need to become
aware that when they were told men were not supposed to feel, need to practice
feeling. Those men would then be good to themselves and those they love by
learning about gentleness, kindness and being real. Those men would do well
extending compassion and gentleness towards themselves and others. But it is
hard to combat this training at a cellular level. In reclaiming the essence of
our nature, the nature that is in men as well as women, boys as well as girls,
we learn the necessity of caring for one's self and others. This is not as
simple as it seems. If a man was not taught to honour these qualities, he will
need patience and incredible commitment to learn these lessons. Once we take
the time and make the effort to connect with the heart's sense of love,
creating and prioritizing family over almost anything else makes perfect sense.
Men, who are waking up to this, doing
the work and making this commitment, are lavishing a gift onto themselves,
their partners, but most importantly their children and the community.
Conclusion
Living and breathing and thinking about our children are
what many of us must do as our spiritual work. This is the first order of
love. Though men have been trained to
respond differently, many fathers, like me, are heeding the wisdom of their
heart. Then love is present not only in us but our children and in their child
or children.
Fathering is a loving
spiritual practice!
“All suffering gives
rise to a great compassion
A great compassion
creates a generous heart
From a generous heart
is born an honourable person
An honourable person
builds a united family
A united family
generates a gentle community
A gentle community
creates a peaceful nation
A peaceful nation makes
a happy world
In which we all live in
solidarity, peace and happiness”
BUDDHA
Beautifully and sensitively written Yaro!
ReplyDelete